2013.07.22 Categories: politics, health, satire Keywords: children, casualties, fatalities, falling televisions, surveillance

Childhood Slaughter by Falling Televisions Results in Alarming Death Toll

CAUTION, CAUTION, CAUTION: This article contains false opinions, but the facts are unfortunately true.

On Monday this week, the Guardian reported an "alarming rate" of childhood injury caused by falling TV sets, which have sent 200,000 minors to US emergency rooms during a period of 20 years, resulting in 215 tragic fatalities.

Wake up USA, the slaughter has been going on for at least 20 years and the US government has done nothing to staunch the gratuitous flow of traumatic childhood death.

Although the US political establishment has nourished an immense surveillance network, it has failed fatally in its obligation to spy on the nation's youngest and most vulnerable members. The FISA court neglected to issue secret rulings to justify snooping on our children. The NSA has neither deprived US citizens nor citizens of foreign lands of their human rights in order to correct this problem.

This scandal will generate a range of tough questions the US public will no doubt have for the President, Judges, and Congresspersons. Why are armed drones not patrolling our living rooms and bedrooms in order to stop the loss of innocent life? Why has Obama, the commander of the US military, neglected to wage war on nations, such as Japan, who harbor and export the very television sets that now rain terror upon our children? Why has the Department of Justice failed to convict TV salesmen of aiding the enemy, on the legal theory that their actions reduce the future stock for US troops? Why are we not bombing Japan back to the stone age? Why are we not subjecting television repairmen to extraordinary rendition?

President Obama, the solution is clear, you need to add these merchants of death to your already admirably lengthy extrajudicial kill list and hold NSA fully accountable in their obligation to snoop on our young people. You need to open new theaters of war for the Pentagon to kick foreign butt.