CAUTION CAUTION CAUTION: The following list is intended to be a source of humor/satire rather than a chronicle of facts. Although this list cites some surprisingly actual recent events, in addition to some not-so-actual ones, it is not intended to provide a factually accurate depiction of them. The truth to be found here is 100% non-literal.

Below is a list of the things I like about the NSA, TSA, and US President Obama.

• Since NSA is indiscriminately trawling phone calls, I'm glad they finally learned to keep the heavy breathing to a minimum.
• NSA now offers free-of-charge hang-up call service.
• Not to be outdone, Snowden and Wikileaks have teamed up to offer international wake-up-call service.
• I like NSA because they are really good listeners. Nobody else is willing to keep track of my concerns.
• TSA is good for morale. They are the only people I can persuade to touch me that way.
• I think we need to keep the secret court because that is the only place NSA hasn't bugged.
• A lot of problems with what they are calling "congressional oversight" have tended to be overlooked.
• In an operation codenamed "monkey in the middle", France, Spain, and Portugal are now preventing any heads of state from crossing their air space in order to give their friend Austria a chance to steal more lunch money from passing dignitaries.
• A seldom used shack in Wyoming is found not to be under NSA surveillance.
• I don't know how NSA manages to get away with all this surveillance. When I stalked my ex, I just ended up with a restraining order. They did not buy the defense that I was obeying secret laws issued by a secret court composed of my cronies.
• Top Obama campaign donors are offered killer deals of plum ambassadorships and peachy armed drones.
• South American nations surprise White House with the message that people who are not US citizens have human rights. Wow. I did not see that coming.
• Referring to her hubby's world-wide surveillance dragnet, Michele Obama filed for divorce yesterday, exclaiming tearfully "there is nobody on earth he is not screwing". Germany eagerly called first dibs on the Monday 6 pm time-slot. Barack is said to be suffering from exhaustion and dehydration.
• In light of a her recent San Francisco Gay Pride Parade goosestepping, President Obama should offer Pride Fuehrer Lisa L. Williams a job, because it would be a shame for her not to be tapped for a top position.
• Snowden held a recent press conference at a Moscow airport. What he said was pretty obvious yet immensely inspirational, which naturally prompted the US to dismiss the conference as a Russian supported "propaganda" platform. Wow, it seems lately everything that gives me inspirational chills turns out to be "propaganda".
• Considering the long ethical shadow of WWII and the Nuremberg principles, one is left wondering how Germany could so shamelessly refuse Snowden's asylum request. In one of our much treasured late-night phone conversations, the ever delightful Chancellor Merkel confessed that they did not approve the request because Snowden was asking for something he plainly did not need. She explained that the young Snowden does not require mental asylum institutionalization, as that honor belongs to his President. Venezuela refused to offer Obama asylum, saying that they have no mental institution capable of handling such unusual cases. The United Kingdom, famous for its history of Gothic mental institutions, measurable levels of Prozac in the water supply, royal dungeons, and Prince Albert piercings, was too busy listening in on party lines to be reached for comment at a time when the world is in most dire need of its specialized psychiatric services.
• Obama birth certificate records were found to have gotten his middle name wrong, prompting the US President to hop on an airplane to Moscow, naturally. Hong Kong subsequently excoriated the US government for letting him out of the White House.
• In light of the birth certificate error regarding the President's middle name, US conservatives finally admitted yesterday that the document must be a valid under US law.
• A White House spokesperson assured the US public that they only unleash armed drones upon the rest of humanity. The US government will be 51% certain you are a foreigner before it guns you down. According to Congressional testimony, the US government does not "wittingly" "target" US citizens. Wasn't that Dick Cheney's argument when he shot his partner in the face?
• O'bama was found yesterday hunting down dissident pixies in his lucky charms.
• A new breakfast food, "scrambled jets", is now ubiquitously popular among DC neoliberals. President Obama has been im-peached by protesters throwing stone fruits. Press reports a presidential jam. Thus, only buttered toast remains to be procured.
• Prompted by the recent Ecuadorian humanitarian offer of much needed training in human rights, a worldwide consortium of death squads joined in the fray, offering their own special training to top US lawmakers. A White House spokesperson declined the offer, quizzically remarking "don't they remember we are the ones who taught them".